it is human to have regrets. if you do bad things, and you regret them, it does not make you a good person. but if you do bad things and then change the way you act, then there is still hope htat one day you'll learn to live with those past actions. you do not need to forgive yourself, or to be forgiven by others, in order to learn to accept what you've done, to be kind, and to change. you can learn to live with yourself. No matter what, you always deserve to be gentle with yourself. because violence against yourself is still violence, and it is still wrong.
Does failing mean you are weak? Does it mean you are worthless? Or does it mean that you have a chance to get up and try again? Because if you stay down, if you allow all the people that tell you you're worthless to have persuasion over you, then, and only then are you weak. You have to ask yourself, each and every time you fail: have you had enough? or do you want to prove that you can succeed? And even if you fail in the future, that does not matter, because wouldn't you rather have tried than not?
You can change your habits. you can change your behaviours. and others can too. but no matter how much people change, they are never owed forgiveness for what they have done in the past. our actions are our own, and we must accept responsibility for them. Just because you choose not to forgive someone, does not mean you are a bad person. it all depends on what you need, and what is right for you.
it can feel like a bottomless pit. like you're the last person standing, and still you're torturing yourself over things others did to you in the past. it can feel like you're nothing without your mental illnesses. like you wouldn't know how to function if you weren't stuck in survival-mode. but no-one taught you how to survive. in fact, your traumas only taught you how to die; you were the one that taught yourself to survive. And if you can learn a thing like that, in an environment where everything is on fire, then you can learn to live in the ashes of it all. i can't promise some utopia where you're free from the flashbacks, the self-hatred, and all the remnants of pain; but i can promise that every time you choose to keep going, it gets better and better. Even if you can't see it right now, you've come so far already.
no, you're not broken. you're human, you're tired, you're traumatised, you're hurt, you're hungry, you're dehydrated. If you believe that you are broken, usually this voice comes from somewhere external. At some point in your life, someone has told you this. Not only is it easier for abused children to think that the trauma is their fault; but they have no other option but to believe this. For their survival, they have to blame themselves, because they are entirely dependent on adults to survive. They cannot believe that adults could be in the wrong. But that doesn't mean that you still have to believe this. When you find yourself thinking that you're broken, that you're worthless, that you're unlovable, remind yourself that you're safe now, and that you can build a new belief system, and that no-one will hurt or humiliate you for believing that you are worth something anymore. Think about the safe-people in your life, and ask yourself: would they ever think that you don't deserve love and care. would they ever think that you deserve to be hurt? They wouldn't. And one day, you will feel safe enough to think of yourself in kinder ways. But for now, i will remind you: you are anything but broken
This is called depersonalisation. it is a form of dissociation. it can be unsettling or scary, or just frustrating. maybe you're emotions or triggering situations are too much to deal with right now. while it might feel like this is an unsafe or frustrating state to be in, please remember that your brain is just trying to cope in the ways it knows how: by separating you from the situation, to keep you at a safe distance from things that could hurt you. there are ways to bring yourself back out of dissociation. If you are actually in a safe environment, and your brain is mistakenly reacting to old memories, you can try grounding techniques
Think about why you're asking this. Maybe you feel guilt about not wanting to get better? do you feel pressured to want to get better? do you believe that your struggles are your fault if you're not constantly fighting against them. All of these thoughts around recovery can be difficult to deal with. But remember that if you don't want to get better right now, then it probably indicates that you're not ready for that step. This does not mean that you're 'not trying'. and it definitely doesn't mean that it is your 'fault'. It just means that full or 'all-in' recovery is too big a step right now. It is more important that you try to move away from the black-and-white thinking thinking that you either have to full commit to recovery or, instead, be the most ill and struggle the most. There is a grey area in-between, and existing in this grey area does not mean that your recovery or illness was 'ungenuine'; it just means you have realistic expectations of your progress. You don't have to want to get better right now, if that's not what your brain needs right now. In fact, it can be more harmful to try to stop all symptoms of the illness or all maladaptive coping mechanisms right away, because you haven't built up the external and internal emotional coping mechanisms to deal with things in a healthy way yet. Don't feel guilty for continuing to utilise self-injury or caloric restriction, or whatever other maladaptive mechanisms work for you. if you're not ready to go without these methods, then it is better that you continue to safely practice these mechanisms than to try to go without, and end up resorting to even more harmful measures.